i exist. aquí. contigo.

Celeste and Leonardo are growing so much! My 30th birthday is around the corner, can’t wait for the pachanga. Time does fly.

Leonardo wearing his jester hat, he is un travieso.

People say he looks like me. Maybe, but he is way more adorable. Reminds me of Celeste when she was a baby.

Can you tell who is the real child? Luna Park in San Jose had a sidewalk chalk art day. One of the artists created this cool 3D drawing. It looks like Celeste is playing with other kids.

Here’s Celeste’s chalk art, her mom helped out a bit.

La Santa de Cabora, Teresa Urrea (1873 - 1906).

We began discussing Luis Alberto Urrea’s The Hummingbird’s Daughter in my Chicano/a Literature class. We had a class writing exercised, actually inspired by Gloria Anzaldua’s Borderlands/La Frontera, and one of my students wrote about the power of faith. In the same breath, she spoke about the strength she draws from her faith and about her mother saying that “I believe in you.” I thought about my own understanding of faith, as an energy that come from us. I am not religious, I don’t believe priests. But I do believe in faith. It might sound like a contradiction, but I believe faith is a creative force, it’s the hope that keeps us going. Like my faith in the ability of humans to create a much better world.

Once, a “new ager” doctor (medical doctor into eastern religions) who was treating Alejandra, mention that we are part of god, like a drop from the ocean, we are one. I have heard that before. Marx said that God is a projection of our own power, that we take “God” out of us and projected into a word, image, and so, that we disempower ourselves. In this case, God is our agency that is taken away by the church, so we rely on the Church, we keeps our “agency” locked up in the concept of God (or something like that).

Whatever. The point I am trying to make is that I am really drawn to the story of Teresa Urrea, and how she became a healer that spoke against injustice. Because of her words, indigenous people (Yaqui and Mayo) were inspired to rebellion against the Mexican dictator Porfirio Diaz. She was eventually deported/exiled to the United States, where she continued her healing work.

But Teresa Urrea was not canonized/recognized by the church as a saint. This is no surprise. I don’t suggest that she should, I don’t think I believe in Saints. But I do believe in faith. Contradictions, contradictions. I go to church sometimes, I baptize my children, and then I say I am not Catholic. Te digo, por si o por no…

From left to right: José, Alicia, Rudy, Alejandra, Agustín.
It was a small, but great gathering. We all got really drunk, or as my folks say, bien pedos!

It’s a matter of good health to teach our children about racism, sexism, and other forms of injustice; because once they experience it themselves they’ll have the skills to understand what happened. Those that have a framework to understand racism and sexism will not be as vulnerable to its negative psychological effects, such as a low self-esteem.

I have helped high school student’s with their personal statements (for college application) for a few years now, and I have realized that a good number of them have no critical class or race awareness. While I do find a critique of sexism from a good number of female students, I rarely see a critique of class exploitation or racism. This means that their own parents, not to say their teachers, are not exposing them to these issues in ways that are relevant to them. Rather than protecting them from harsh reality, these working class, students of color are being sheltered in unhealthy ways. I can understand why parents who struggle, and who experience class and racial exploitation in a regular basis will want to keep this from their children. But we need to remind ourselves, that it is probably already happening to our children in both subtle and not so-subtle ways. From a paternalistic teacher with low expectations, to outright harassment by people in authority positions.

When I was an undergraduate student I used to mentor a middle schooler whose parents where from El Salvador. He was a quiet kid, who was having some trouble with his math. At the time I was taking a class on Central America, and I learned about the  civil wars. I asked my mentee if his parents had ever told him about this time. He said no, he didn’t knew anything about it. I was surprised. His parents were immigrants (they didn’t speak English). Once as I was helping him with his math homework, I mentioned to the father that I had recently learned about the civil war. Maybe I should not have brought this up, given that for many people this can bring up traumatic experiences. But I was younger and I didn’t think about this then. The father replied that he didn’t talk about it with his son, because his son would “shit in his pants” if he did. I didn’t continue the conversation. I know that that meant that he witness some pretty horrible things. I still thought that the son would have benefitted from some family history.

When I am with my daughter, I call it out: “That’s sexism.” “That’s racism.” I try to help my daughter understand her life situations. I find it important to give her language, provide her with an analysis. When she first joined soccer (one of the city’s league), she was the only girl in the team. The coach constantly refer to her as “la niña,” (the girl). I would correct him, “Celeste.” For him he was the “other.” I told Celeste that this was sexism. When someone around her says something racist or homophobic, I have a conversations with her and point it out. Another example is the uproar the dolls I buy for her, they usually have dark skin. My family and my wife’s family always finds this weird.

Since she was a little girl, I like to tell Celeste” “Todos somos Iguales, y todos somos differentes.” When she was four, she used to say that yeah, “cuz we are all people, none of us have animal parts.” Now she says yes, because we are all human and are equal, and its good to be different. She uderstand the right to be different while being equal. I have also said things like: “there is poor people, because there is rich people.” And tell here how people work,  but the owners keep the profit. This last point is hard for her to understand. But she knows we don’t shop at wal-mart because some other people in some part of the world are treated badly to create all this stuff.

One of the students I been helping, wrote an essay about her desire for learning. About those things that made her unique, but never mentioned that her parents had been working in very low-income jobs and they were immigrant. She didn’t talk about her family’s poverty and struggles. I found this with a few students. When I point out that they should mention more about their families, some don’t know what I mean. Schools and US culture has taught them an unhealthy sense of individualism. The point of talking about their families’ struggle, I remind them, is to show that despite poverty and obstacles, they have manage to do well in school.

As much as I want all students, especially working class and students of color, to get a college education. I realize that this in itself is not enought, if students will not develop a critical anti-capitalist outlook. At least, an anti-imperialist outlook.
I think we need more youth like  Kiri Davis.

Here’s a news report on the video:

I found the longest burrito I have ever seen. It’s from a Mexican restaurant near the college. Wow, I was impressed. I was only able to finish half of it. I am not sure if I am coming back, it was good, but I don’t want to be wasteful. Maybe I’ll have 1/2 for lunch, and the rest for dinner. The price was good, $7. I forgot the name, but I’ll come back to it later. I also saw a Pupusa place on 23rd st. in Richmond. I once had some real good food at “PortuMex,” a Portuguese-Mexican food restaurant. I was happy to learn that is not far from the college. Man, I don’t know how I am going to keep my diet with so much good food around.

I was really impressed by this teatro de madres that performed at the annual Frida Kahlo event (organized by San Jose’s Maiz). These mujeres are all mothers, working class women, señoras from the community. I kept thinking about my mom when I saw them up there. I wonder about what creates such transforamtion, such courage to speak up and perform in front of people. The woman that facilitates the space for the mujeres is a white woman, but from what I heard, she is very hands-off in terms of writing the plays/actos and what was on.

This year, the winner of the Frida look-alike contest was one by a little girl. There were many more Fridas this year (more than the picture I took). The fundraiser gets bigger every year, with more and more performers and vendors. The money goes to support Maiz organizing efforts and scholarships.

Since my family is not back from Michoacan (they come back tomorrow), I had the chance to go to the movies and get a beer before the show. Not that I can’t do this when Ale and our kids are around, but I don’t feel right leaving Alejandra with the baby while I have fun. My compadre Jose and I went to see “Hangover,” but first we stopped at the Monterey Brewing Co. in Salinas. We ordered a sampler (10 little beers of all their stuff, like a 1/3 of a regular glass maybe).

“Como todas las cosas estan llenas de mi alma
emerges de las cosas llena del alma mia
Mariposa de sueño, te pareces a mi alma,
y te pareces a la palabra melancolía.”
Pablo Neruda, Poema XV.

Every time I pick up my guitar, and can’t help but think of my father. Although I cannot say I love him as much as every son should, I do wish he were a better man and be around more often.

My father is a man who wanted to be a musician who wanted to be a song. Pure song, like a dove riding the wind. Canto hondo. But instead he became an alcoholic, lost his family, and blames everyone but himself for the loss.

He calls now and then; when he needs money. I used to care more. Whenever he would call, saying that he was sick and that he only needed some help to get out of ‘el vicio,’ ‘el hoyo’ he was in. I would make the 9 hour drive, rushing to get to Mexicali. Then I only sent money. Now, I just listen to him and tell him to take care of himself.
I remember him playing the guitar. He actually gave me one when I was younger. I didn’t really cared about learning. I thought that people would compare me with him. I didn’t want to compare myself to him. I was resentful.

I finally decided to learn to play, and leave behind my ‘complejos.’ I think I am getting better. But I do not know why, everything I play sounds sad. Siento melancolía, como dice Neruda. I ask Celeste and Ale, how do I sound. It doesn’t sound sad to them. I guess it depends on your mood. But it helps me. Melancholy is a sweet sadness you dwell on for healing. I feel better after I practice. I still have a long way to learn.

Nostalgia. I do miss the years past. Life is full of “I could have done” this or that. I don’t know if it’s because I was always a dreamer. I always had big plans for myself. I still do, but I am not as innocent as I was. I miss being younger (hey, I know I am only 29). I guess that life seems a little less adventurous. Maybe because I am married and now have a full time job.

Maybe I need a “bucket list.”

1. Learn to play the guitar well.

2. Travel to at lest four more countries, including Peru.

3. Help start a revolution! (Well, maybe I have to tone this one down = ).

4. Be a good father.

5. Publish my poems.

Hmmm. Now, to fill this bucket full of hope.  I remember something I read by Cherríe Moraga:

“You want to change your life, I tell myself. You light a candle. You pray on it. Daily. All day long. Then you do the hard work of living the prayer.”

I guess I am into the writing mood again. Here are some poems. First drafts, like always.

 To be a poet

To be a poet
you have to be honest
but do not tell everybody
your wife’s business
or the size
of your love

(unless you use metaphors)

Agustín Palacios
First Draft
07.02.09

On the impossibility of words

my poems could say
almost anything
home or mother
but they do not smell of fresh tortillas
and compared to a chile relleno
words are hollow

First Draft, 07.02.09
Agustín Palacios

“my Indian informants” 
(In response to Friar Diego Durán (1537 to 1588) who collected stories from indigenous people so that he could better understand their culture for purposes of eradication.)

my ancestors lied to priests
and broke promises
to escape the jagged edge of crosses
they twisted their tongues
into words of bone and wood
to quiet
our story unconquered
to a whisper

go north
to the seven cities of gold
to Cíbola Quivira Atlantis
here only beans and corn
here only our tied hands.
Yes, Quetzalcoatl was Saint Thomas
Tonantzin the Virgin Mary
your god is the only god

in the library
I comb through colonial books
looking for the whispers
like cleaning beans
except here
there is mostly rocks

I don’t trust
my Spanish informant

First Draft 07.02.09
Agustín Palacios

Picture from http://www.mexicocooks.typepad.com (I was asked to give the link, so here it is).
So many breads to choose from. All those colors, shapes and flavors. My favorite Mexican bread son los ‘puerquitos.’ I eat them with my coffee. I like them fresh, warm, soft. Or if I leave them out a day or two, and they get a little hard and dry, they are great for dipping in my coffee. Yes, these puerquitos have cost me quite a few extra pounds.

The other day, driving on the 680, going home from work. I saw a van with a sign “Pan Mexicano,” what a great idea. Yes, Mexican unity in diversity, from mestizos to indigenous. Dah, it was not “Pan,” as in “Pan-Latino,” or cross-ethnic/national alliance. It was good old fashion ‘pan,’ as in bread. Que menzo, thinking all this theory and about the possibility of Mexican, Chican@, indigenous, Latino unity, got me seeing things. But why not? It makes sense, Mexican bread is so diverse, con todos esos nombres raros: “ojo de buey,” “niño envuelto,” “pierna,” “cema,” etc. Hey, even the common bread has different names: birote, bolillo, teleras (maybe they are different breads, but I am not sure). The French and the Jewish people contributed much to our Mexican bread, so have indigenous people. No, I am not talking about mestizaje, this is not about race at all. Or about a melting pot (some peoples’ talk about mestizaje reminds me of the melting pot bs, they must be on pot themselves). I am talking about rich diversity, and a diversity that respects difference, that treasures cultural continuity as well as cultural invention. Simon que yes!

Pero no es simplemente nuestra cultura lo que nos une. A unity based on culture is not enough, it needs to be informed by politics. It is not about cultural nationalism, but about a vision of the future based on social justice and respect of difference. As the Zapatistas, say, “por un mundo donde quepan muchos mundos.” Democracia, libertad, justicia.
Here goes my puerquito into my coffee cup. Hey, isn’t coffee from Ethiopia? De todo el mundo soy, soy Mexicano, Chicano, humano.

From The Hummingbird’s Daughter By Luis Alberto Urrea.

“God can do the impossible,” he proclaimed.

“Really?” she said. “They why does He not cure all of these suffering people, right now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Tell me which is worse, Pope Chávez–is it that God cannot cure them all, or that He will not cure them?”

….

“You should know the answer,” she said. “You should know what it is your really think of God.”

[p. 376]

I just finished reading Luis Alberto Urrea’s novel, The Hummingbird’s Daughter. It was recommended to me by Beth, a Native American professor. I thought it interesting that a Native American would recommend a Chicano author writing about indigenous people. To be honest, Chicanos/as often write like New Agers, or romanticize indigeneity too much for my taste. So, I read the novel and liked it so much that I am making it required reading for my literature class.

The novel takes place in Mexico, right up to the 1910 Mexican Revolution.  It is based on the author’s distant cousin, Teresa Urrea. It is a fictionalized narrative based on the life of Santa Teresa, who the Yaqui and other Mexicans saw as a holy woman. She could heal through touch and she always smelled like roses. What I liked about her, is that she spoke of social justice, she denounced Díaz as a bad president, and claimed that the land belonged to the people. So, it was a good mix of politics and spirituality. Luis Alberto, like me, did not believe in spirits. I am still very skeptical about all spirituality, a skeptic that wants to believe. He did 20 years of research and field work, and spoke to curanderas.  In a column he wrote about the novel (included at the end of the book), he writes about a Lakota medicine man who sent a warrior spirit to protect Urrea in his journey. He thought it symbolical. But when he got to Mexico, the curanderas were shocked to see an long hair indian standing beside him. Many incidents like this seems to make Urrea a skeptical believer.

The passage above caught my attention. I read the novel as a skeptic. I do not accept the Christian version of God, or any version that claims that all of earth’s happenings are god’s will and that he (why not a she or dual or queer god?) is omnipotent. Teresita’s question gets to the heart of the matter. But the answer is not either or. It is not, either God exists and he/she is super powerful and has total control, or he does not exist. I think of it in terms of energies (for lack of better word) that have great influence over creation. There does seem to be a creative energy (and energy is another word I use for spirit) active in all of living things. Now, that this creative spirit has consciousness or will, that’s another story (if we have consciousness and will, why not creative energies?). I am okay with not knowing. What I do believe in, is humanity. That most human beings have innate worth and are good people.

My daughter and wife go to Catholic mass now and then. Once my daughter said to me, (teasing i guess or wondering to herself) “if you don’t believe in god you are going to hell.” I found it amusing. I answered, “no, since i don’t believe in hell, i don’t have to go. only those that believe in it are at risk of going there.” of course, it’s a false logic, but was funny.
Bueno, a lo mejor cuando me muera lo sabre. Y si no, pues ni modo.

I can’t believe that Central American countries are still going through shit like this. I guess Che Guevara was right, you have to arm the people to protect the revolution. Not to say that Honduras’ president was revolutionary, but a military overthrow is just not right.This guy, Micheletti, apparently was from the same party. Even if you agree that this need to stay if power is wrong, I don’t see who in the right mind would support a military overthrow. It just sets a very dangerous precedent, and who knows how strong the military would come out of this. Now Hugo Chavez and other ‘leftist’ governments are calling for Zelaya’s return.
Ahora hay que ver if the US will do as in the 80s, or if they will not get involved. Para mi, mejor que los estados unidos ni se meta.
From Al Jazeera:

UPDATED ON: Monday, June 29, 2009 04:32 Mecca time, 01:32 GMT
News Americas Honduras under curfew after coup Protesters outside the presidential palace voiced their anger at the court-backed military coup [AFP] The newly sworn-in acting president of Honduras has imposed a two-day nationwide curfew following a military coup that sent Manuel Zelaya, the president, into exile. Roberto Micheletti, the parliamentary speaker until Sunday when he was sworn in as Zelaya’s replacement, told a news conference that the curfew would run from 9pm (03:00 GMT) to 6am on Sunday and Monday. The order comes as hundreds of Zelaya supporters set up barricades in the centre of the capital, Tegucigalpa, on Sunday and sealed off road access to the presidential palace. Al Jazeera’s Mariana Sanchez, reporting from Tegucigalpa, said that a lot of very angry people were wielding sticks and steel batons. At one point they tried to push their way into the palace, but the army inside resisted, she said, adding that some among the protesters were trying to calm people down. In depth  Honduras urged to restore Zelaya  Video: Zelaya seeks asylum  Video: Turmoil in Honduras The protesters were calling for the reinstatement of Zelaya, who was taken by soldiers from his home while still in his pyjamas on Sunday, and sent to Costa Rica after he tried to carry out a referendum to extend his term in office.Micheletti, who is from the same Liberal party as Zelaya, promised to govern with “transparency and honesty” and “work tirelessly to restore peace and tranquillity that we have lost”. ‘Legal process’ He said Zelaya was not ousted through a coup but by a legal process. “I came to the presidency not by a coup d’etat but by a completely legal process as set out in our laws,” Micheletti said after being sworn in by congress on Sunday. Zelaya was elected for a non-renewable four-year term in 2006 [File: AFP] “What we have done here is an act of democracy, because our army has complied with the order of the court, prosecutors and judges,” Micheletti said, winning loud applause from legislators. But Zelaya said he had been a “victim of kidnapping” when Honduran soldiers raided his home earlier in the day. “They came to my house in the early hours of the morning and firing guns, they broke the doors with bayonets and threatened to shoot me,” Zelaya told Venezuela’s Telesur television station after being taken by troops to Costa Rica. Calling for “peaceful resistance”, he said he did not “think that the whole army supported this interruption of the democratic system by capturing a president elected by the people”. Little support But whether in the military, parliament or in the judiciary, Zelaya appeared to have little support in Honduras on Sunday. Colin Harding, an expert in Latin American politics, told Al Jazeera that Zelaya had apparently overestimated his own power in pushing for the referendum. “He has no support in within his own party, he is opposed by congress, he is opposed by the judiciary and the military, who are not the power they used to be but have lined up against Zelaya ostensibly in defence of legality,” he said. Country facts  Second largest country in Central America  Population of 7.2 million  Second poorest country in the region  Economy forecast to grow less than two per cent this year  Relies on money from Hondurans in the US for more than 25 per cent of its gross domestic product  Former Spanish colony gained independence in 1821 The supreme court said it had ordered his removal in order to protect law and order in the nation of some seven million people. “Today’s events originate from a court order by a competent judge,” it said, adding that the armed forces “acted to defend the state of law”. Congress said it had voted unanimously to remove Zelaya from office for his “apparent misconduct” and for “repeated violations of the constitution and the law and disregard of orders and judgments of the institutions”. Zelaya, who was elected in November 2005 to a non-renewable four-year term, had sought to revise the constitution through a referendum to allow him to run again in the next elections. The supreme court had ruled such a referendum illegal, but Zelaya had tried to press ahead with a vote on Sunday anyway, triggering the coup. Micheletti is set to stay in office until January 27 next year, when a new president elected in planned November elections is due to take over. Meanwhile, the UN General Assembly announced it would hold an emergency session on Monday to discuss the unrest in Honduras, at the request of Honduran ambassador to the UN, Jorge Reina Idiaquez.