04.21.03
i can't hold it any longer. it's gonna burst and bust the walls the gates containing
me. it grows inside me like a blimp, and is not hot air. it's pure flame. es vida.
it's the awareness that i am alive and free, although vulnerable, my life is my own.
my trip to new york electroshocked me alive. it shook the numbness
from my ego. soy yo contigo. i am an electron brightening up your
computer, communicating with your eye-nerve and your brain.
i went to the newyorikan poet's cafe, to def poetry jam, and performed at two of
June Jordan's lyrical celebrations. i thank her for continuing to be a presence in
my life, una luz en mi camino, like the moon. poetry for the people gave me wings,
or at least made me realize i had them. a raven, dark and beautiful.
the group stayed at a hotel up broadway on 75th, we still had to take the subway
to go down to time square area. i crashed with them, as i really had no money to
spend. i only took $120 for everything. my bank account is currently overdrawn.
but this was a life time opportunity, we performed a p4p group piece in front of cool
people like Sonia Sanchez and Suheir Hammad. dreaming.
i also so stephanie (wuz up!) and trevor, who is now teaching in brooklyn. lots of trees
grow in brooklyn and trevor is the gardener. i also got to hang out with dipti (hi!)
and Sri (wuz up doc!) two future mds. (NO, please doctor, don't kill me, don't cut
me, noooooo!) crazy. it was niece seeing them, although i didn't hang out with them as much.
i told steph that my family will go down to l.a. and visit her.
i spend a lot of time by myself going around on the subway. that weekly pass is one
of my only souvenirs (the other one is my met button, i saw a lot of good art, de
tocho morocho). i went to time square, to central park, john lennon's memorial (imagine,
i do), to saint patrick church (the first time being in a church hits me as something
beautiful, i felt that i was in a safe place. i think it has to do with all the good
energy people bring into that place, all the hope lingering in the air, people come
from over the world to shed their fachada and be themselves with god. funny how
all this things come from someone who is not catholic. i believe that there are many
ways, different understandings of creation/spirituality/interconnection. long foot
note.) i saw the statue of liberty from afar, it looked smaller that i imagined it.
i did not go to ground zero. i didn't had time. (i don't support the troops, i don't
support anyone who invades another country and kills innocent people. i don't want
anyone to die, even the invaders. i am not a pacifist. all life is sacred.)
i hanged out with rosario, una xicana bien xingona. thank you so much chayo for letting
me shut-eye at your place. we talked for a while. it was nice to see a veterana
from casa joaquin (lo de veterana is not for age, but for experience=) i also so
another veterana, maria b. i talked on the phone with jenny luna (another xicana
who taught me a lot, i been lucky to meet strong women. i'm not too proud to learn
from others. i am not an individualist. "is not for the hate of the enemy, but for
the love of our people that we struggle.")
one of my favorite parts in ny, was that hooka (?) place we went to. i had never
smoked those things before, and it was nice the whole communal pipe plus we
wrote a collective poem. crazy shit. we really are good people (although i notice
that we got on each other's nerves, i acted silly sometimes, but all in good faith,
just like a community.) contradictions. contradictions. we are young and have
a lot to grow.
i asked sonia sanchez about june's "universal poet" status, and how p4p is offered in
the african american department and how junichi is not black and just one of us is
african american, and how might have seen all of this. sonia sanchez responded with
a poem. all poetry is universal (all!) that we learned from each other (i don't want
to speak for her, since i could never say things as beautiful as she did. the thing
is that we are all in the same struggle).
i got a hold of a cd where june sings/performs her poetry with adrienne torf ( i have
written about her before, she is the woman that reminded me so much of june when i
saw her, she carries herself in a similar smile.)
by the way, if you have not yet read june jordan's stuff, you better get your
act together. read "poem about my rights" and "soldier" so you know what i'm talking
about.
i took some pictures and recorded about 120 minutes of video, which i want to edit
into a little movie (Steph and Junichi, interested in putting our stuff together for
a p4p documentary?) i'll post some up after i develop them.
i need to take ale to ny, she needs to see that city and all of its museums. i hope
we go by the end of the summer.
i came from new york with all this plans, i want to perform my stuff as much as possible,
not be afraid of not being good enough, is about putting our voice out there and saying
the kind of thing that needs to be heard, whether people like it or not. i want to
do some teatro, be a performer, and do video. who cares if i'm not good, is not about
that, is about doing the shit you need to do to feel connected to people/to be happy.
like the girl in farenheit 451 who asked the fireman, "are you happy?" i want to say
yes. meg and i were talking in the plane on how we are not afraid to die. we felt
peaceful, that we are living our lives like we want to, we are not faking it. we
are showing the world how we are, and so, we could die without regrets. ( i'm still
afraid of the pain, hay duele!)
quetzalli is growing so much, she's so beautiful. sometimes i try to look at her
as if i just met her, as if she's not my daughter ( i know is not possible, but i
still try) just to see if i would think she's beautiful. she is damn beautiful and
smart. and i don't know if i'm seeing things where they are not, but i she's a lot
like me, for example, she likes to be alone/play by herself sometimes. she likes
to move her toes a lot (when watching tv, etc.) she loves ketchup (when i was little,
i used to gulp on it). i think i'm learning for her, i'm stopping to look at the world
more closely (in ny, i found an umbrella, a plastic ring, someone's purse, and little
things like that). the world is interesting.
i am not waiting for the near death experience
i am not waiting for sickness
i am not waiting for loss
to appreciate life
my life
with open wings
alive!
with open eyes
alive!
with dreams dripping from my hair
alive!
with all the commitments
alive!
with all the challenges
alive!
with all the limitations
alive!
with all the needs
alive!
i am alive!
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