Be a Man, Mac.
When I was young (and even now) I think about my looks. I look at my lonjas/love handles/llantas, I scrutinize my thin arms, I look at my face. I hear for the way I speak and the character of my voice.I am not a ladies man. So.
Depending on the day and the mood, I accept myself. I love myself. I actually think I'm cute. Or, I may see myself as fat, ugly, weak. Not manly enough. Shit. I should know better.
Male representations like the one above teach children that body image is more important than respect for others and for themselves. No one wants to be a wimp.
It's hard to be a guy. We constantly need to be proving ourselves. To stare back when someone's fronting with us. To honk at the damn driver who cut us off or is going too slow.
In a lot of ways, people in general need to be brave an assert their dignity. But this is not the same as stepping on other people. My motto is, humildes pero fuertes. Humble but strong.
11.26.02I just got a new job.I'm excited and I'm mad. It's a good job, helping high school students and all. I work for Upward Bound at Napa City. Finally doing what I always wanted, work with my community, help young people go to college and learn about the politics of being brown in the U.S. of Amerika. I have plenty of ideas. But I need to remain true to my ideals. And I don't have a boss. My body is my own. My time is my own. My mind is my own. I have a voice and I'm not afraid to voice my opinion/ideas/discontent. The reason I'm saying all of this, it's because I want to live for my work, not work to live. There's a difference. I define work as the physical and mental activities that express my mind and passions, and create a better future for people of color and the working class. And, just as important, make me feel happy with my life. I am an individual tied to his community. My well being depends on the well being of those around me. I have made a commitment to work for social justice and positive change. I also understand that I must be the change that I want to create in society. I need to look at my life and make it good. This type of work is challenging and, to a great extend, it's my life. I'm also a poet/artist, so whatever I do, is as a poet/artist. I'm a poet that's working in Upward Bound as an academic counselor. I am a poet. I am not a slave to my work. The green is necessary, but accumulating money should never be the motive that makes me work. Soy libre. Freedom is a constant struggle. The moment I stop affirming my freedom, at least to myself, I become a slave. Well, enough with the manifesto. This coming Thursday is going to be Thanks-Taking/Un-thanks-giving. I want to go to Alcatraz Sunrise ceremony. There's going to be some Mexica Danza people there, in solidarity with indigenous Nation of what is now the U.S. empire. I miss danza. I think about it everyday. I drum my fingers to the rhythm of danza anytime I'm just hanging around: when I drive, when I show Quetzalli how to beat on a box for sound, when I tap my pencil on my desk at school. Why am I such a wonderer? I want to do participate in everything. I need 48 hrs in the day. Things on my list: write every day (poetry, monologues, teatro, short stories, etc.) be a danzante (Aztec dancer) take a guitar class paint and do digital art start a club at Napa High School keep my webpage updated be part of Poetry For The People next semester take a creative class with Cherríe or Alfred Arteaga apply to UCB's Ethnic Studies Ph.D. program And of course, be a good father and husband (I prefer partner). Xin, un xingo de cosas que hacer. ..................... Today I received a letter from my uncle José. He's in prison for selling crack cocaine. I never really kept in touch with him before, but now I write to him at least once a month. I don't want him to feel like he's alone. He likes it when I send him pictures of the family. I been trying to send him some books, but I can't decide which ones, since the prison has a strict policy on what's acceptable and not. I cannot send him anything that may encourage in anyway bad behavior, meaning, I can't give him any material that criticizes the state or the prison industrial complex. I'm sure I can't send him any Communist/Socialist related material. But I'll try any ways. .......................... My dad called me this past Saturday. I wasn't at home so he left a message. I don't know if I should believe him every time he says that he's not going to drink anymore and keep his job. He has always seen himself as a victim. He blames my mom for their separation and for his own alcoholism and failures. I try to remember that my dad is sick, he's an alcoholic. But because I know he's not a victim, that he has agency over his life and that he has made his choices, I can't help getting angry at him. He chose to treat my mom in the most humiliating ways, he chose not to follow us to Salinas. He chose to drink and drink and do drugs during and after their separation. I know he had pressures, but we weren't important enough to keep him from drinking. I know that his life has never been easy and that he hates himself in many ways. He's getting old. 50 years old. Soon, he won't be able to work, since alcohol keeps eating his insides, his strength. Anyways, he called. ........ Oh, I may get a new website address. maybe. .... I started writing a journal. I'm planning to do a lot of free writes and character sketches. I want to start writing some monologues that I can perform. They are a little more fun that poetry when it comes to performance. So far, I only have two. ..... se libre como el colibrí agustín palacios 11.26.02 |